Saturday, May 26, 2007

i tire of being under constant scrutiny.

i've never won an award, never been anyone high ranking, never been academically inclined or interested for that matter. i am where i am purely due to years of never-ending nagging (which still hasn't ended), through lies or promises never kept by those who wish to live vicariously through me. in a society where results are the keys to life - the key to the BMW 7 Series, to the Bungalow on Nassim, to the office at Shenton, to the HSBC bank account with a 7-figure sum, etcetera; it is in summary, an extremely difficult and repressive environment to grow in. if you conform, you're either boring or elitist. if you stand out like a sore thumb, well, that's precisely it, you stand out like a sore thumb. beyond the 4As and A1 for GP that every "normal" J2 student in junior college aspires to achieve, what else is there? this is purely my opinion, but i no longer feel motivated to move my posterior beyond the confines of my bedroom when i see how the adults "enjoy" life. of course, this is a very general statement, and there are individuals who try their best to live life to the fullest, like my friend Yu-Beng whom i am envious of. his ability to disregard whatever obstacles placed in front of him, or be able to make them seem so easy to overcome - clearly it helps to have huge biceps, triceps and every other muscle group in the human anatomy.

why look forward to the life in store for the youths after university. do not misunderstand, i am grateful for the political, economic and social stability present, but personally, i don't see how staying up til 4am working on the laptop, then waking up at 8am to work and repeating the same cycle til the day you retire is "enjoying" life. i guess i'm just tired of the whole supposedly nuclear family that i have, where nothing ever seems to be good enough. where being labelled the black sheep of the family has become a permanent moniker that i have had the misfortune of attaining. though i must say they are becoming more creative in their name-callings. i can almost say it's evolving into a form of entertainment, like watching a painfully amusing reality tv programme.

most of my peers and close friends don't even begin to understand the torment that they sometimes put me through, or the torrent of thoughts that often fill my mind and refuse to leave through the nearest exit. i often find myself caught in the middle, not fitting into the studious sort nor the wild partying sort. my books are not my life, and killing my lilver so early in life doesn't appeal to me. once again, generalising.

i am who i am, and where i get accepted into or what future position i hold will not define me, it's how i live my life and what i do with it.

mm, there's a thought for another day.

I save the planet with my voice.
3:50 PM

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